If My Heart Had Wings
by theherbflower
Summary: I softly let the words drift me off into sleep, into a dream. One where Sirius and I love each other freely, one where I'm not a Lycan. One where Harry grows up with siblings and parents that love him. One where there is no war, no Voldemort. Only peace.


_**If my heart had wings.**_

_I could lay awake, just to hear you breathing._

_Smile while you are sleeping, while your far away and dreaming._

_I could spend my life in this sweet surrender._

_I could stay lost in this moment, forever. _

_Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure._

Your lying there sleeping with contented expression upon your face, its a content that says that nothing, nothing in the world can change anything. That everything is somehow alright although we both know that its not. Nothing can bring you down, and I know it, any one who were to just peer at your sleeping face would get the same feeling, the same knowledge that I have. Well maybe if they knew you as well as I do.

All I ever want to do is just sit and watch you sleep after our love making. You fall asleep as soon as our love making ceases giving a 'See you in the morning.' before you fall. Sometimes I pull out one of my fags and watch.

Sometimes I do wonder what your dreaming? Is it a life better than the one we have? You'd be crazy not to dream of something better, something that isn't tainted by war and hate. A world where little Harry can grow happy like we did, well like James did. I know he hates it, knowing that little Harry is going to suffer growing up in a war zone, because we can all face that we, the good, is the side that is losing. Evil is triumphant in is season. Maybe you have a wife in your dreams, someone who is there at the end of the day, the end of every battle. Maybe she'll have a warm meal and a kiss waiting for you. But that thought only angers me. I wish I could see what your dreaming, because of the smile that is painted across your face. Its changed into a smile of pure love. Of pure passion. That which you have so much of.

If I could pay time all the galleons in the world, I would only want to stay right here in this moment with you. Your so happy, a smile that is never on your face in the day, or the night, or even after our love making, only when you dream. But maybe its not just love making to you, maybe its just lustful sex with an old friend. I've never told you the three words, the three worlds that I only say after your asleep and that beautiful expression is already painted across your face. I say it, and please believe that I mean it. Though I wont ever tell you, and tomorrow when you wake and nod before leaving my bed you take my heart and all of my love with you. Fate is a cruel woman, but then you've always said that they were, women, Lily being the only exception. Though you don't love me, that I am only your friend whom you sleep with in your lust, I wouldn't and couldn't give up these moments for anything in all of the world. In all of the universe. Gods Sirius, you are everything I have ever wanted, and everything I still want. And I know until the day I die, it will be you and only you that I share my love with.

Sleep is beginning to descend upon me, even though If I could I'd spend all night just looking at your face. I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep. But I know in the end sleep will win, that although I want to be here in this moment for all of the rest of my life, I cant. Fate is just cruel that way.

Its morning, I can feel the soft swirls of sun dance across my face while the soft morning breeze swishes through my room. I feel you slide out of bed softly, pull your clothes on. Then I hear you slowly walked to the door and closed it with a snap. I feel that the snap has broken my heart. Though I must be strong. If not for me, then for you. Your the best friend that I have, and inside I know that if I were to come out to you, you'd run and never look back. You don't need any more heart break in your life, as it's already chalk full of it because of your damned mother. Sometimes I wish I could tell you, to finally use that Gryffindor courage and just say Sirius, I love you. But I wont, and I cant. Because I know if I lost you, then I'd loose everything...

I stand to face the day, the soft morning breezes swirling past me in all my nakedness. I dress in the usual shabby clothes and head off to the bookstore where the owner who has humbly given me a clerk job. But I know it wont last, the jobs never do. Thats why I live with you, because being me only leaves me with painful memories and ugly stares. Each and every one of them breaks my heart ten million times more than the night my heart broke when I was attacked. But that is what lies ahead of me, more ugly stares and more pain.

After I'm dressed I descend the stairs to the Kitchen, where I get out a kettle and start to make tea. If I'm hopeful Lily or James or even Pete will come by to day, so that I can talk to someone. You never talk to me anymore, its as if I really have become the loathsome evil beast that I really am. I hate every stinking minute of this life and long to be in the one in your dreams, if I'm in it. Though I probably an not, who wants a social outcast in they're happy dreams? Maybe if I were you and you were me I'd feel the same way. But I don't believe that, I'd still love you. I'd still love you if you were the spy. Gods I'd still love you if you were Voldemort his poncy self! Everything about you makes me live. It gives me that boost every day to keep going. That and our love making, because to me it is love making. I long ago accepted that fate was cruel, that it took what it wanted and left others to fend in its wake. Or hers. Sometimes I wonder if you are the spy, because of how distanced you've become. But then I shake the idea from my head, it couldn't be? Could it? But I wouldn't care, I'd still love you. See you cant ever know that, because if you did.... I'd lose the only thing that kept me going.

I stare down into the tea kettle, swishing around the tea leaves to watch they're patterns across the water as they slowly darken it and fall to the bottom. I hear you come down the stairs behind me, I can smell that you've dressed and shaved. You smell clean. I pour the tea into a pot, grab a couple of cups in hopes of you drinking with me, just for once maybe you will. I turn and see you grabbing an apple before you go to move to the door to leave. You look at me then the tea and then back at me with a strange look in your eye. You then noticed that I had two cups instead of one. You look back at me and sigh heavily before giving me a small explanation about meeting Moody early for some reason or another. I nod and go to put one of the cups back, It was just me this morning, just like every other fucking morning and I hate everything and the world again worse than the last. I hear you leave and I turn back around before smashing the tea pot and the other cup on the floor, the murky brown tea swirling along the floor. It is only then that I hear the front door shut. You've gone.

I sit down on the now brown floor not caring about the tea or my already shabby stained robes. Today I don't care about anything, just that I needed to just quit. If only for today. I watched the brown move across the floor swirling more now that I've sat down in it. It is then that I cry, for everything. I don't care about work today, I don't care that today is Halloween and I don't care about the fact that its most likely not Moody that Sirius went to meet with. I let the tears slide down my face, nothing matters anymore. I don't care anymore. So I drag myself from the floor and pull myself to my room where I shed my clothes and climb into my mussed up covers that still smelled of him. I turn on the radio and listen. After all music is one of the only things that ever made anything better for me.

_I don't want to close my eyes, _

_I don't want to fall asleep cause I'd miss you babe,_

_and I don't want to miss a thing._

_Because even when I dream of you,_

_The sweetest things will never do and I'd miss you babe,_

_and I don't want to miss a thing._

I reflect on the words of the song, they're everything that I've been feeling. I turn over and charm the radio to only this song. Today isn't going to be a good day, its got that feeling in the air. But were in a war, when is everything ever good? I softly let the words drift me off into sleep, into a dream. One where Sirius and I love each other freely, one where I'm not a Lycan. One where Harry grows up with siblings and parents that love him. One where there is no war, no Voldemort. Only peace. It is only the rough shaking of my shoulder that wakes me from this wonderful paradise that my dream has transformed into. I sit up and look at you, your standing in front of me with anger in your eyes. I ignore them and glance at the alarm clock radio that is still playing the song. Three hours have passed. Its noon. I turn back to you.

"What is it that you want Sirius?"

"What are you doing sleeping? Why aren't you at work? Have you left today? Why did you break your mothers antique Tea pot?" His questions flood me.

I sit up with a glare.

"Because I'm tired you damn ponce. I slept. No I was here all day bloody sleeping and because of you, you damn bloody arse. What else do you want me to say?"

"Why are you sleeping?"

"I have already damn told you! I was tired. And I don't care anymore."

His eyes softened.

"What do you mean you don't care anymore? You always do."

He sat down next to me.

"Does it matter? And why all of a sudden are you talking to me?"

He sighed.

"Remus I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm confused."

"Oh and if thats a bloody good enough answer? You climb into my bed every night, share whatever it is that we bloody share only to ignore me? You never talk, not to me anymore."

"I told you. Confusion. And you didn't answer my question, why don't you care anymore? We're going to win this war, and then everything will go back to how it once was."

"Normal Sirius? With who dead?"

"No one."

"Well thats a tall glass of milk. Sirius people are dying right now."

He stopped talking and just sighed. I began to listen the song on the radio. It held such a nice notion.

"Remus whats wrong?"

"Everything Sirius. Everything."

"You know everything is always better when you vent. I'm all ears."

"Its just not something you can know Sirius. It's my burden to bear, and mine alone."

He sighed again.

"Its you isn't it?"

"Is what me? The only thing I am I a Werewolf."

"Remus." he turned me to face him. His eyes starting to swim with unshed tears that I knew that he'd never shed. "Are you the Spy?"

I glared at him before standing up.

"No! I am not the bloody spy, we've had this argument before. How could I be? I love Lily and James and little Harry. I could never do that to him. Why cant you see that?"

"Alright. Just sit back down. Please tell me whats bothering you? I'll spill if you do." he cracked a grin.

"Alright."

For a moment I let the foreboding feeling slide. Maybe today is a good day. After all, it is Halloween.

"Well...?" he prompted.

"I don't want to loose you." I sighed. "Your all that I have left. At least you can look at me, James and Pete cant."

"Remus. Its, its Pete that has everyone convinced that its you. If you tell me that its not you then I believe you. This time I believe you." his eyes shown truth.

"Why now? Why do you only believe me now?"

He gulped.

"Because Remus." he started. "I love you."

I stared at him. This could be a ruse. He had his eyes closed.

"Oh really? Is this a game to you Sirius?"

His eyes flew open.

"Remus. Damn it. I do. Do you think that I crawl into bed with you every night because I only want to share hot lusty sex with you? You damn bloody ponce. Of course I love you."

"But you cant. You just cant."

"Yes I can and I do."

"What if tomorrow I wake up and your gone. What if everyone is gone? How do I survive? I cant loose you now, this war is slowly escalating out of control Sirius, I can feel it. Its right before the end and I know it."

"Remus. Do you know what your asking? What ifs. So what about what ifs Remus. You cant live your life in the what ifs. How would you do anything?"

"But how do you know?"

"Remus you have to have faith. We will win this war. Because its ours to win. Good will always win, because it always does."

"Maybe. I just wish that life could be better. With no war. With no hate."

"Oh Remus." He pulled me into a hug. "I know you feel that way. But life cant always be sunshine and rainbows. But we do have something that they don't, and neither does fate."

"What?"

"The here and now."

"Sometimes, after we're done at night. I sit and watch you sleep, your always so peaceful. I would trade anything in the world to always be in that moment. And then when my body condemns me to sleep, I fight it, because I don't want to fall asleep. I don't want to miss when your expression changes or you bark a laugh in your sleep. I just, I don't want to miss a thing Sirius. And Merlin above, I don't want to miss you."

"Wow Remus. Say something once in a while. Your always so angry during the love making."

I did a double take at his words.

"I mean, its always so... strong and heavy. Thats why I leave every morning, because I don't want to wake up with you angry with me."

"Angry?" I sputtered. "Your kidding me right? If anything I wait in anticipation for those moments. They're everything that keeps me going."

"Really?"

"Yes really."

"I love you Remus Lupin. Everything about you, I always have and I always will."

_I don't want to close my eyes,_

_I don't want to fall asleep._

_Cause I miss you babe, and I don't want to miss a thing._

_Because even when I dream of you,_

_the sweetest dream will never do._

_Cause I miss you babe,_

_and I don't want to miss a thing._

Who knew what the morning would bring? What the years following would show?

Twelve years is a heavy price to pay, and lies and betrayals atop?

If time could be turned back, would a different trail be unveiled?

I lie down at night, in the bed we once shared. A fag in my hands and a sad smile upon my face.

If I could turn back time, if I could only find away. Maybe, just then maybe, you would here with me, painting your bright face?

I find you again, things have changed.

The year is thirteen, I lie in bed watching you sleep. And maybe this time I wont fall asleep.

Your everything I have ever wanted. Needed and more.

And for once, I have you. Again.

But seasons fade, and time moves on.

But my love will never fade, I know it will go on.

You leave again, our spring cut short.

But every time you smiled, is etched in my memory like stone.

If my heart had wings, I'd fly to you.

_I don't want to close my eyes,_

_I don't want to fall asleep. _

_Because I miss you._

_And I don't want to miss a thing._

_And every time I dream of you,_

_the sweetest dreams never do._

_And I miss, and I don't want to miss a thing._

_**Authors note:**_

Ok, REVIEW. And I know the song and the story in reality don't really go together, well kind of. I needed to break my sunshine and rainbows out look and try something a bit harder to do. Write sad. Write angst. Its not as easy as you think. Any hoots, REVIEW like nice little lovelies.

Herb3


End file.
